Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you had me at cake vodka
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
