I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
