dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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