so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
