can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
