you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
