too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
