Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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