I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
