I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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