It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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