I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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