i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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