You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
