So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
