I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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