I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is Oprah even human
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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