don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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