i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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