Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
