Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
