my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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