Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
