thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
