Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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