thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
