the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My liver just had a heart attack.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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