He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
