Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
