everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
birth control should be required to get into college
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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