omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
