Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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