Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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