Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
