Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
