Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
