her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
