Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
