he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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