We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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