I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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