my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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