Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
