My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
