I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
