thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
