babies were throwing up all over the place
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
