so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
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