I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
