Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
