Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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